sometimes my mind is blank

sometimes my mind is blank.
an empty void
filled only with silence.
and other times my mind is chaotic.
a stormy night
filled with screams that never cease. 
i search desperately for a place in the middle.
a place where my thoughts have enough room to grow and enough water to nourish them without drowning them out.
but all i can find are droughts and stormy nights.
silence and loud screams.
words that mean nothing.
and words that are far too loud. 
i want to find some middle ground.
some sanity.
some happiness to sprinkle upon this miserable life that i can’t seem to evade.
but the nights are too dark and the days are too hot and my legs are too weak and there are a million more excuses for why i continue to delay my journey to a better place.
fear.
i wonder why i fear happiness.
why i fear normality.
why i fear a calm heart with a smile across my face.
why i fear…
but i can’t stop.
i am crippled by it.