In 2016 we find ourselves in a world that is overpopulated with hipsters. We all know at least one. Their fake glasses. Their ironic tattoos. Their very annoying, and very shitty, blogs.
Pictured below is the biggest hipster douchebag I have ever seen.
Well, this weekend I experienced something so hipster that even I was like, "Whoa, this shit is so hipster."
The night started off with me rounding up a couple of my friends, I pay them good money don't worry, and started driving to the party. As we approached the party one of my friends, or employees since I pay them and whatnot, told me to pull my car over. I did.
She then got out of the car and said, "I can't be seen pulling up to this party in a car." The rest of my paid friends agreed with her and started getting out of the car.
At this point I am thoroughly confused, but whatever, I get out of the car and start walking with them. Keep in mind she made me pull over two miles away from the party. She really did not want to be seen in a car. I soon figured out why.
As we got closer to the party I started to notice a lot of bearded men and green haired girls riding their double decker bikes past us.
A couple unicycles pass us, as well. This is off to a weird start to say the least.
My friend notices the confused look on my face and says nonchalantly, "It's a bikers party." Moments later a car drives past us and, I kid you not, the bikers literally started booing at the car. My friend then looks over at me again and says with an egotistical smile, "Aren't you glad we decided to walk?"
I look down at my feet and feel the blisters rubbing against the side of my shoes. Honestly I'd rather be booed, but I just look over at her and fuel her ego with a small, agreeing smile.
We walk up to the venue, it is out in the country at a large barn. Christmas lights float through the sky, stretching from treetop to treetop. A hipster playlist plays softly through the speakers.
I look over to my right and see a couple of guys facing each other atop their double decker bikes. They both hold very long sticks. They wrap a tee shirt around the top of them and start pouring what looks to be alcohol on the shirts. They then pull out matches and light the ends of each stick on fire, then begin to bike towards eachother. Holy shit, these hipsters are jousting with fire sticks!
Where the hell am I??
At this point I am so overwhelmed by the hipsterness of this party that I must find the bar. Immediately. I look around and finally find it. I walk up to the bartender and order a whiskey sour. He looks at me and says, "Cup?"
At first I think he is asking me if I want my drink in a cup. Obviously I want it in a cup, idiot. So I say, "Yes."
He just stares at me. "No, do you have a cup that I can put the drink in?"
I shake my head. He then says to me, "Sorry, we don't have any cups here. You were supposed to bring your own. Sustainability, y'know?"
No, Mr. Bartender, I don't know. Who the hell throws a BYOC party??
So now I am stuck at a party filled with unicycles, fire jousting, dudes with beards that are way more impressive than my own, and I can't even get alcohol. Oh, and not to mention, my car is a two mile walk away so leaving is sort of out of the question.
I walk over to a nearby bench and sit down. I look around and soberly take in all of the madness. The jousting match is somehow still going on, I wonder if anybody is going to be set on fire (Spoilers: Nobody gets set on fire. Sad face.) I look around and see a group of three guys playing guitars. They seem to all be playing different songs, these songs may very well be their individual mating calls. Judging by the large crowd around them, the calls are working.
Over to my right four girls sit around a small table reading books and drinking out of their mugs. I guess they got the memo about BYOC. I consider going up and talking to one of them, she is very cute; then I remember that I have no self confidence, especially when I am cold blood sober, and remain seated. I stare for a little bit, but not like a totally creepy amount of time, just enough time to where maybe if she looked up we could make small eye contact and smile at each other. (That is my super passive, super bitch way of feeling confident enough to initiate conversation.) She, however, doesn't look up from her book, so I allow my eyes to wander elsewhere.
I feel like I am on a set to a parody movie thats only premise is to make fun of hipsters as much as possible. Every single hipster stereotype is present at this party. Dudes in bowties, suspenders, and curled mustaches. Girls with green, purple, blue, or anything else that isn't a natural hair color. Every shirt is buttoned up all the way to the top. Every phone is opened up to twitter. Guys and girls unicycling around from spot to spot while drinking micro brewed beer out of their mason jars that they brought from home because it's "better for the environment." Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if the beer was organic, but I couldn't know for sure because I couldn't get any beer because I didn't bring my own damn cup from home!!!
Stupid hipster parties.