Ryan Pays For Friends Foundation

In the past week I have only left the house on three occasions. 

• Occasion #1: To go to the gym. Yeah, that's right, I work out!
  
• Occasion #2: To get food. Yeah, that's right, I eat food! 
• Occasion #3: I am sadly realizing that there has been no occasion #3.... This is super embarrassing.

The rest of my day I sit on the couch, holding tightly to a blanket, and cry my beautiful eyes out...I won "Best Eyes" in 7th grade, just saying. But why would somebody like me, who has everything in the world going for him, cry his eyes out all day?

It's because I have no friends! (Okay, yes, I did go to In-N-Out with my buddy on Saturday, but for the sake of this blog post we are going to act like that little event never happened.) 

It is getting to the point that I have been snapchatting and texting everybody in my phonebook begging for their attention. I have only received one response.

I guess you can say things are getting pretty bad over here. I am desperate!!

But I am not one to sit and sulk about my misfortunes, besides like the whole crying myself to sleep every night and whatever, so I decided to do something about it!

So today I am officially starting the "Ryan Pays For Friends Because He Has No Friends And Really Really Really Wants Friends So Now He Has To Pay For Them Because No One Wanted To Be His Friend For Free So Now They Get Paid Foundation" or "RPFFBHHNFARRRWFSNHHTPFTBNOWTBHFFF" for short.

That's right! For an incredible salary of $30 per hour you can now be my friend! 


The job entails: 

• Constantly telling Ryan how beautiful his eyes are.
• Telling Ryan that he does have a six pack, even though it may appear that he doesn't.
• Holding Ryan as he cries.
• Petting Ryan's hair as he cries in your arms.
• Whispering, "Everything is going to be alright. Taylor Swift will notice you some day," as Ryan cries in your arms.
• Listening to Taylor Swift on repeat all day.
• Giving Ryan a hug every 4 minutes and 48 seconds, etc. etc.

So what are you waiting for??? Apply to be Ryan's friend today!!!!!!!!!!

If interested please send your application over to [email protected]. That is a real email. So do it. Apply. Now. I'm waiting.

This message has been brought to you by the Ryan Pays For Friends Because He Has No Friends And Really Really Really Wants Friends So Now He Has To Pay For Them Because No One Wanted To Be His Friend For Free So Now They Get Paid Foundation. 

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