Life as an Ugly

I have been ugly for my entire 22, nearly 23, years of existence. It is a tough world for an ugly. People look at me and think, "Ew." People walk up to me and say, "Ew." In fact, the first word I ever heard was, "Ew."

The second I popped out of my mother's you-know-what, the doctor looked me in my slimy face and was completely overcome by my ugliness. Years later, my parents described their first view of me as "Highly disturbing" and "Made me want to throw up" and "Made me actually throw up" and "We tried to put you up for adoption, but literally everybody who saw you died at first glance. So then we were stuck with you."

I know that those reviews are ravishing, but I promise you I have received better. One time in third grade I was in line to play a game of tether ball. As I reached the front of the line a girl ran up to me and pushed me down to the ground. I fell hard onto my buttocks and looked up at the girl. She looked down at me, covering her eyes, and yelled, "NO UGLIES ALLOWED!" 

Another time I was dating this girl, she was blind so she was unaware of my case of the uglies, and she invited me over for dinner to meet her parents. I put on my nicest suit, did my hair up, and tried to mask the ugliness... unfortunately, I failed. As soon as the front door opened and my girlfriend's parents got a look at me all hell broke loose. They yelled, "Ugly, get off my porch!" then proceeded to chase me down the street until I was no longer in the same zip code as their daughter. The next day, at school, my girlfriend showed up with black eyes and swollen lips. She said it was punishment for bringing an "ugly into their home." I tried to clarify that technically I wasn't in their home, I was really only on their porch, but she didn't think that joke was funny. I did. She still didn't. She dumped me. She was my last girlfriend.

I have seemed to have better luck with getting jobs than I have with making friends and getting girlfriends, though. I hate to brag, but my resume is pretty stellar. It's easier to do well in school when you're too ugly to do anything else. I remember sending my resume to one company and they called me back ecstatic, they wanted to fly me out immediately for an interview. I landed in New York, took a taxi to the headquarters, and headed for the waiting room. When I got there they were shocked to find out I was so ugly. I waited in the waiting room for what felt like days. My interview time came and went, but they never came out to get me. Finally, the secretary extended a 39 1/2 inch pole over to me with a note at the end of it. The note read, "Sorry, we don't hire uglies. Please leave our office." So I did. I headed back to the airport. Found out that they cancelled my flight reservation and I had to pay for my own flight home. 

I often times like to sit on park benches and watch as the pretties walk passed me. They walk around with their loved ones. They walk around with their best friends. They walk around with their families. They walk around with their fancy suits paid for by their fancy jobs. They walk around knowing that they will not be hated or judged for their ugliness. In fact, they don't even know that people are out there being hated for their ugliness. They've always been pretty, and the pretty life is all they know.

I sit. I watch. I wish. 

But nothing changes, I was born ugly. I will always be ugly. And I am proud to be ugly.