How To Get A Girlfriend

Disclaimer: I haven't had many girlfriends... but I have read many books and I have seen many movies and occasionally somebody in that book or that movie will have a girlfriend... so, yeah... I'm basically an expert.

There are many steps in getting a girlfriend, but the first step is deciding which girl you would like to trick-- I mean convince-- into becoming your girlfriend. There are a few females I have in mind: Margot Robbie, Rashida Jones, Sydney Sieorta, Simone Biles, Selena Gomez, and your mother... SO DON'T YOU DARE PICK ANY OF MINE!

Now that you have a few options, it is time to engage. Firstly, and obviously, you want to stalk them... No, I don't mean stalking them in the modern day use of the word (Twitter, Instagram, MySpace, etc.) I mean old school stalking: following them around town and watching them as they sleep type stalking. The good kind!

Much like hunting, you need to understand your prey-- in this case your prey is your future girlfriend/ possible wife/ maybe even your baby's momma. You need to know her interests: her likes, her dislikes, her favorite foods, the sweater that she wears more often than the others. And, if you can, you need to memorize her license plate, her address, her social security numb-- my lawyer is telling me that this amount of stalking is "excessive" and "creepy" and "completely illegal" and I am "a demented human being"...... he left the room. So, as I was saying, you need to memorize all of those things!!! Trust me. I've read books.

Now that you know every little detail about your future boo, you need to create a new personality for yourself, because, face it, you are a terrible, ugly human being who can never be loved the way that you ar-- my therapist is telling me that I am being "self depreciating" and that I am "projecting my self hatred onto others" to "get out of my house, I did not invite you inside and I will call the police..." 

Okay, sorry, where was I? Right, get a new personality. You need to practically clone yourself into her, that is the only way that she will love you. If she loves country music and wearing flannels, then you better throw out all your damn clothes, replace them with flannels, buy a lifted truck, and jam out to some Luke Bryan as you pull up to the rodeo. But if she is one of those hipster girls, then you better go buy yourself some ironic tee shirts, some fake glasses(even if you need real ones, wear fake ones instead), put on a beanie, grow a beard, and start writing a screenplay in that coffeeshop that I know she is always hanging out at... The point is: do not be yourself, but be her instead.

It is time for the last step: approaching your future lover.

But, before you do, you are going to need a few things. Firstly, you'll want a car with a large trunk-- like large enough to fit a human body. Secondly, you will want a large sack-- like large enough to fit a human body. Thirdly, you will want a pastor-- one who is "willing to marry two people even if one is being married against her will." And, yeah, that should be it.

Just show up at her house in the middle of the night, bring the sack in with you, throw the sack over her head, place the sack into your trunk, drive to where the pastor is, and there you go, you've got yourself a wife!

Oh... wait... I was supposed to tell you how to get a girlfriend not a wife, wasn't I?........... Uhhhhhhhh.... Hold up, let me go read another book.