what am i doing wrong?

too often i try to hide my pain. not only from the world, but also from myself. i numb, like i believe we all numb. with good tv, with video games, with a few hours of mindless scrolling through the internet, with cuddles through the night, with kisses that force truths down my throat as her tongue bats them away.

i'm not sure what the stem is of all this pain. i don't know where it came from, i don't know how to get rid of it, i only know that it is here and it hurts and i would much rather stare at the television screen than listen to the pain as it screams the same words over and over and over.

"help me," it screams, "help me, help me, help me!"

but i can't help you, me, we, whoever it is that is in pain. i am useless, helpless, clueless, and my favorite show is on so can we speak about this in another hour or so? please.

i look out at the world--or rather, i look at my telephone screen and see the world as it is presented to me. with filters and hashtags and funny captions and deliberately scripted nonchalant glances from beautiful women. then i look at me. and wonder what i am doing wrong. how can so much happiness and beauty and lightness exist in a world that is so fucking painful to me?

what am i doing wrong?

i see all the vibrant colors and the smiles and the footprints in the sand and the sunsets that fill the sky so majestically then i look at my bedroom walls that are drowning in shadows and i hear the pain screaming once more, "help me, help me, help me!"

what am i doing wrong?