So the other night was just another casual night driving for Uber. I pick up one passenger, drop them off, then pick up another. This continues for a couple hours, until I got to the point to where I said, "All right, last ride for the night." This "last ride of the night" ended up lasting over two hours.
It started off like any other ride. I pulled up to the house, waited ten freaking minutes for them to come out (by the way this is super rude, don't be that dick who makes the Uber driver wait outside your house. Ya bunch of assholes), and then we started the ride. The first spot they wanted me to go to was a bank so that they could pick up some money. We did that.
While driving to the bank we get to talking. Well more like they got to talking and I got to wishing that somebody would t-bone us and end this damn ride. They light up cigarettes, another thing you shouldn't do in an Uber car (assholes), and begin to tell me about the reason they are all in Californ-I-A. They are all addicts in "recovery," you will later see why the recovery is in quotation marks, and all became friends at the center they are recovering at.
After we go to the bank and they pick up a beaucoup amount of cash, they give me the next destination, a McDonald's a few towns away. I plug in the address and begin driving.
There is a total shift in their behavior.
My car all of a sudden turns into a Wall Street stockbroker firm. They all pull out their 15 cellphones and are calling up everybody in their phonebooks. They talk in code the entire time. Talk about picking up "perfume", "weights", "flowers", "shoes", "teddy bears." They are throwing out names and addresses and types of printer inks. The girl in the backseat is taking turns making out with the guy on the right of her and the guy on the left. The girl in the passenger seat leans back to join in on the action. Front row seats to the real life Wolf of Wall Street were somehow thrusted upon me, disguised as a casual Uber ride.
I pull up to the McDonald's, praying that the ride is over, but they tell me to stay there. At this point I am so intrigued with the situation I find myself in that I say "fuck it" and wait in my car. Five minutes pass. Then ten. Then twenty. Finally, two of the four passengers get inside my car, along with some random new guy. This new guy has a bag of "food" in his hands and sits in the front seat with me. I look down at the bag and it appears to be a bag from a Carls Jr, with the boxes that the six dollar burgers come in. They tell me to drive to the next destination. I do.
During that ride the new passenger, that now sits in my car with a bag full of "food," calls up the person they are about to meet with. Again, he talks in code.
"Hey, yeah, we're on our way right now. I wasn't able to get that stuff that you wanted, I ran out of time. But I was able to get you some nice "suits" that I think you are really going to like. It's nice stuff. Yeah... Okay.... We'll be there in five minutes."
I am not a Carl's Jr expert or anything, but I don't think they sell suits there. And furthermore, once again I am not a suit expert, but I don't think suits can fit into a tiny burger box. But, like I said, I am intrigued.
We get to the next spot and I see that somehow the other two passengers from before were all ready there. I don't know how, voodoo magic or some shit. The three in my car get out and walk into the next destination. They are inside for a while, then come running out. They get in the car and say "drive, drive, drive." So I drove.
They told me to head towards the nearest motel. I did.
On the way from the previous destination towards the motel, there mood had shifted yet again. They started off calm. Then they went to Wall Street. And then they went to a mood that I have only really experienced while watching TV and movies... A mood that I can only guess to be a heroine high.
The motel that I had to drive them to was about 5 miles away. During that 5 mile drive, the passenger's decided that they once again all wanted to make out. The three in the back seat all began to go at it... and the girl to my right felt left out. So she decided to lean in towards me... because we all know kissing and driving is so safe. Considering this girl was more likely than not high on heroine, I pushed her off of me... but she didn't take a hint. She decided to lean in once more. I turned away, trying to focus on the road, while she began to lick my cheek. I push her away.
Persistent is one word among many that I could use to describe this girl, because she decided to go in for attempt number three. Keep in mind that the make out session in the backseat is getting steamier and steamier. Instead of leaning in for another kiss, however, the girl reached for my pants and attempted to unzip and unbutton my pants. I push her hand away, while still trying to stay focused on the road.
Waze tells me that the motel is still 3 miles away.
She reaches in again, this time completely ignoring the zipper, and tries to go straight inside the pants. I grab her wrist before her hand is able to reach its desired destination and shove it back towards her direction.
I make a decision to politely disregard the suggested speed limit of 45 in hopes that I will reach the motel before I lose my freaking mind. The backseat is no longer steamy and instead is completely on fire. One of the guys in the back reaches his hand onto my shoulder, the girl next to me lunges again towards my face.
1 mile. Deep breath.
Finally, after what had to be the longest 3 miles of my life, I see the motel in sight. A glimmer of hope creeps onto my face, but it is quickly licked off by the dude in the backseat. I know, I didn't see that coming either. The girl in the back decides that just because the front seat girl got denied, doesn't mean that she will, so she leans in towards me. Luckily the seat belt pulls her back, but she still feels the need to reach up towards me and rub her hand against the side of my face.
I put my foot to the floor as the last light in between us and the motel turns yellow. I come to a screeching stop outside of the motel. I quickly unbuckle and jump out of the car. After a few last kisses, they get out of the car, and begin to walk towards the motel.
One of the them, the guy from the backseat, turns to me and says, "Hey, do you want to come in and join us?"
I get back into my car and drive away.
Welcome to the life of an Uber driver.