Okay, so first and foremost, Tinder usually provides for some good experiences...and no, I'm not talking about some meaningless hookups, I'm talking some real, honest, human....okay yes, I mean hookups. But today I want to tell you all (and by all I mean the random guy who accidentally stumbled upon this website and doesn't know how to get off of it, he's probably new to the internet or something) a story about my latest Tinder experience.
It was love at first swipe, or so I thought. Once I discovered that we matched, I tried to play it cool. I waited the appropriate amount of time and then sent her the most clever message I could think of... "Hey." And then I waited. Minutes later I received the most romantic response imaginable, "Hi."
Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?
This conversation, and trust me it somehow got steamier, continued for a couple days and then we moved it over to snapchat. Just a heads up, snapchat is a great way to make sure that you ain't getting catfished.
She started off sending sexy pictures of her face and then her camera began to...how do I say this...lower. (This isn't at all important to the story, it's more of a brag....Actually, you know what, there is no story. I only wanted to brag about her sending me, uh, mature photographs....Just kidding, the story has only just begun.)
After snapchatting a few more days, we decided that it was time to finally meet up...you know, face to face. So we set up a day and a time to meet up for drinks downtown.
I spent hours the night of picking out the perfect outfit, I ended up wearing a plain white V-neck and blue jeans. BALLER. Then arrived at the bar a few minutes early.
I walked up to the bartender and ordered a shot of whiskey...when he told me it was ten bucks, I said never mind I'll take a shot of water. It didn't really help me out with the nerves, but it did save me ten bucks. You win some, you lose some. Anyway, a few minutes later I saw my beautiful date walk in through the door... she looked even better than she did in her profile pic. A solid nickel and four pennies... dimes are rare, okay? I don't give them out to just anybody.
We ended up talking for hours and got a little bit...ah, what's the word...super fucking hammered. Yeah, that's it. We took an Uber back to her place and were making out before we even reached the front door... I really wish we would have waited until we at least got into her bedroom.
As we were drunkly and sloppily making out, she attempted to get the lock into the keypad. In hindsight, we probably should have just stopped making out so that she could unlock the door, but goddammit it was too good to stop. After fiddling with the lock for at least 240 seconds...or 4 minutes to the normal human... the door flings open. But it wasn't her who opened it.
Instead it was a very large man, a man that did not look happy to see me there making out with my lovely Tinder date. Let me just describe to you what this man looks like. You know Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson? Well, don't worry, he wasn't that big. He was more like Tom Hardy in Warrior, so still pretty freaking big.
Me, being the far from sober man that I was, just looked at him and said, "Thanks, dude," then went back to making out with my date. Bad move, you dumb fucking idiot.
This Tom Hardy looking man wraps his arm around my neck and pulls me tightly to his buff chest. It was kind of comfy in a totally terrifying way, y'know?
As I snuggled up to his tight chest I heard him talk for the first time. "Get the hell away from my daughter."
He then walks me off of the porch and throws me down onto the grass, once again it was pretty comfortable. He then turns back towards the house and starts yelling at his daughter.
I should have let it end there...but I didn't. I had to defend my lover.
I stood up...or stumbled up...however you want to word it and slurred, "Hey, don't talk to her like that."
I think proceeded to walk up to him and get into his face...I'm a really smart drunk, okay? I looked him straight in the eye and said, "That girl right there, that one right there...look at her, look at her dammit! That girl is my best friend and I love her. And I will not let you talk to her like that. Nothing can stop our star crossed love," I tend to think I am Romeo when I am hammered, "Not even you, Tom Hardy."
I then attempted to slide past him and towards my date...yeah, that didn't happen. Instead I ended up down on the grass again. It happened so quickly that I'm still not sure how he did it. Did he hit me? Push me? Use the fucking force? Honestly, only Tom Hardy and God will ever know.
I ended up having to pay for another Uber back home (it was surging 2.3x), and I didn't even get to finish my make out session. Such a waste of a night.
But don't worry, we went out again the next weekend and she stayed over at my place.
Take that Tom Hardy.