For those of you who don't know, I currently live with my aunt and uncle. They have a three year old daughter. She controls my life.
As I attempt to write this blog, she stands only inches from my face demanding me to play with her "little walla loopsies." I have disco lights filling up my bedroom and we are blasting Ellie Goulding, her favorite I am sitting in a very particular spot on my bed, she spent an entire five minutes positioning me into a spot that she decided was satisfying. She is now yelling, "I don't want you working or singing to the song. I only want you playing with me." So... I will be playing with little wala loopsies for a second, then I will return back to the blog.
Alrighty, I am back! Where was I.... Oh, right. MY LIFE IS BEING DICTATED BY A THREE YEAR OLD!
Here's the thing, I love the crap out of this little girl. She da bomb. She dope. She chill. She ill. She makes my heart happy....but also, she needs to chill the mutha eff out. Y'know?
She has a few favorite games: little walla loopsies, hide and seek, Dumbo, and playing with blocks. I will walk you through the experiences of playing all of these games with her.
Little walla loopsies are these two little dolls. They are sisters. She likes to play a couple different games with them. Her favorite, however, is called "doctor." In this game one of the little walla loopsies is a doctor, the other is the patient. Pretty simple, right? WRONG! There is a very particular way of doctoring...and even a particular way of being the patient. And if you mess up even one little part of it...off with your head!
Next is hide and seek. I'm sure you have all played hide and seek at least once. But if you haven't, allow me to quickly explain. One person hides, the other person seeks. Easy enough, right? WRONG! In this game if you are the hider and she is the seeker, then she will tell you exactly where you are allowed to hide. And if you hide anywhere other than where she gave you permission... off with your head!
Dumbo. Dumbo is a game that I mistakenly created. It is where I lift her up off of the ground, hold her above my head, and fly her around like Dumbo the flying elephant dude. This game is all fun and whatnot, until my arm muscles are completely exhausted, she's a fat three year old, okay? (That's not true, I just said that for comedic effect.... ANYWAY!) You would think she would be an understanding human being and say, "I understand that your arms are tired, you don't have to run around with me for the rest of the night." Right? WRONG! If you slow down your tempo even a smudge, complain about the burning sensation in your shoulder muscles, or suggest playing any other game that doesn't involve you holding her over your head while running around in circles... off with your head!
Blocks, better known as big ass legos. She has a favorite thing to build with these blocks, that is a tower. You just simply stack blocks higher and higher, until you run out of blocks. Literally the most basic game in the world, right? WRONG! She has a very particular image in her mind. Each block, color, size, etc. has been predetermined. She knows exactly what she wants this tower to look like... the only issue is, SHE DOESN'T TELL YOU HER VISION! Instead, you just attempt to help her out by adding a large blue block on top of the red block and she loses her freaking mind! Have you ever seen Taylor Swift's music video for "Blank Space" when she turns into a complete lunatic? Well, that's what this three year old turns into. She turns into Godzilla and knocks the tower down to the ground. She takes the blocks and stabs you in the neck with them, until your brand new white tee is dark red. Basically, my point is, if you make one tiny mistake whilst building this tower... off with your head!
I want to continue telling you more about my experience living with a three year old, but she is currently standing in the doorway, staring at me, and making a "slitting your neck with a knife" gesture.
I must go play with these little walla loopsies. Yes master.
PLEASE SEND HELP!!!