Last night, somebody broke into my car.

Last night, somebody broke into my car. They stole my work ID, three pairs of Ray-Bans, and a couple coupons to a local restaurant. Now, I know some of y’all may be thinking: Ryan, what are you doing with three pairs of glasses in your car?

But to y’all, I say: Shut up, Mom! No one asked for your gosh darn opinion!

Sorry about that, let’s get back to the crime. The crime. The crime involving my car. My car that once held coupons to a local restaurant but now holds nothing more than old receipts.

I’m not mad. I mean, I am, but I am more disappointed than mad. You see, I am mad that you stole my work ID. I am mad that you stole my Ray-Bans. I am infuriated that you stole my coupons. But I am also disappointed. Very disappointed. Borderline offended. You see, in the backseat of my car was three copies of my new book For Souls Like Mine, and you didn’t even bother to steal one.

Not even one!!?? Like, I get it, you wanted glasses. You wanted some coupons. You, not sure why, wanted my work ID. But you didn’t want my brand new book For Souls Like Mine now available on amazon for free?? You could have broken into my house, gun to my head, and forced me to sign it. I would have.

But you didn’t.

Did you?

Instead, you just stole my work ID, three pairs of Ray-Bans, and a couple coupons to a local restaurant. Leaving my books completely untouched.
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Mr. or Mrs. Thief, I am not mad. I am only disappointed. And borderline offended.