Earlier today while I was sitting on the beach I was given a free lesson on how to take the perfect selfie. I believe it is my duty in life to share this lesson with the world so that every single man and woman on Instagram has the skills to take their perfect selfie.
So how did I get this free lesson, you may be wondering?
Well, it was just another beautiful day at Venice Beach as I wandered around in the sand wearing my jeans and Toms like a baller. I walked around for a few minutes before I settled down in my temporary home in the sand. I threw some tunes into my ears and began my favorite hobby of all time: people watching.
I saw a nice couple to my left, staring down at their phones. I saw a nice family bonding, as they all stared down at their phones. And I saw a beautiful girl getting her tan on, while also staring at her phone. But this girl was different from the others. She wasn't only staring at her phone, she was also attempting to teach the world how to take the perfect selfie.
I looked around to see if anybody else was blessing their eyeballs with this free lesson made of gold, but their eyeballs were too busy making sweet, sweet love to their iPhone screens. So I looked back at my professor, knowing it was now my responsibility to learn what she was attempting to teach me, so that I can later teach it to the world.
First and foremost, she made sure she was in a comfortable position; we all know that the selfie process is a long one. Her position of choice was lying on her stomach. After getting nice and comfy, she raises her phone into the sky. The selfie process has officially begun.
She looks at her reflection in the screen and the screen whispers back to her, "Hey girl, your booty is too small. Fix it." And she listens.
She lifts her butt into the air, until it looks like a 100 Instagram likable type of booty. But the screen still reflects flaws that she is not okay with.
She adjusts the angle numerous times, goes back and forth between duck face and human face, and even tries a variety of gang signs. Finally, she snaps a pic. And then another. And then another. And then another. Making slight adjustments between every take.
She gets exhausted from perfecting her body in selfie form and takes a sip from her Starbucks for nourishment. I'm not sure what she was drinking, but I would like to assume it was green tea. Because I like green tea.
She then returns to her long journey of taking the perfect selfie.
This continues for another twenty minutes, that is when she finally feels satisfied with her work.
So, lady that was on the beach teaching me the ways of the selfie, I salute you. And I hope that this blog will properly honor the hard work that you put in each and every day to make this world a better place. A place with bigger booties, duck faces, and hundreds of filters. You are the real hero.