How To Survive A Heartbreak

Growing up we hear all these stories about love and how amazing it is and how we all need to find somebody to spend the rest of our lives with-- but you know what they never tell us... sometimes love ends in heartbreak. In fact, SPOILER'S ALERT, it almost always ends with heartbreak. So, allow me, a self-proclaimed expert of having my heart broken and somehow living through it, to teach you how to survive a broken heart.

Well, for starters, don't fall in love with anybody. Ever. If you don't fall in love, then your heart cannot be broken. Pretty damn simple. Just stay in your room, read a book, watch a movie, do literally anything besides going outside and meeting a beautiful female, OR MALE, whatever or whomever it is that you are interested in, the point is... do not fall in love.

However, if you are one of those morons who has already fallen in love, then allow me to tell you how to get over the inevitable heartbreak. "But, Ryan, we are in love, we will never break-" YES YOU WILL, YOU IDIOT! Love isn't real... Okay, sorry that was a little depressing... um... lol... what I meant was actually LOVE ISN'T REAL, YOU MORON! Ah geeze, sorry, I did it again... BECAUSE IT'S TRUE... Anyways, moving on!

Your loving relationship has come to a fiery crash and, unfortunately, you are still alive and forced to live without the one who you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. Now what? Well, simple. What you are going to want to do is go to Costco, buy all of the alcohol they have in store, and then drink all of said alcohol. "But Ryan, I can't drink that much alcohol, I might die." First off, yes you can, secondly, if you die, oh well, at least your broken heart isn't as painful... sorry, depressing again... uh, let me go chug some whiskey down real quick. BRB!

Okay, I'm back. So, once you get as blacked out drunk as I currently am, you move on to step number two: call her. There are two paths you can go while calling her. You can go the "I still love you and I want you back" approach or you can go the "I hate you, you are a terrible person, you broke my heart, and I never even loved you," approach. OOOOOR you can do as I do... both.

It provides for quite the roller coaster ride of emotions. "I love you, I am so sorry for everything I did... I hate you, you are the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Take me back! I never even liked you. I want to hold you in my arms and kiss your cheeks and then strangle you! Why won't you pick up the phone, I'm sick and tired of yelling at your answering machine! I love you, forever and ever, call me back.. Or don't. I don't care. I hate you. I love you!" *click*

(Editors Note: DO NOT CALL HER, RYAN IS CURRENTLY DRUNK AND HIS ADVICE IS INCREDIBLY FLAWED. Oh, shit... he is calling her again, I got to go.)

I'm back. How'd the call go? As good as mine? Good. I bet you're wondering, "Ryan, what is step number three?" Well, be freaking patient and I will tell you, jesus... Everybody is all "gimme, gimme, gimme," well can you just gimme a break? Geeze.............

Step three: There is none. Broken hearts never heal. Love is a lie.

(Editor's Note: I'm... I'm sorry... for everything... Ryan is currently yelling nonsense at her voicemail... I should delete this post, but I want you all to know how hellish my work experience is... having to deal with this Ryan character is... uh... it's horrendous. Also, I am kidnapped. Please send help... Also also, do not call your ex... That is a really bad idea... Oh, god... Now he is listening to Drake. I've got to go... Good luck!!)