Lately I have been told, "Ryan, you are not a very macho man." And to them I say, "Oh, really? Would a none macho man be able to do this?" then I proceed to do a backhand spring into the splits, pull rose petals out of my yoga pants waistline and throw them into the air, rip my shirt off, and expose my recently waxed chest.
After moments of staring blankly at me, they simply reply, "A macho man would never do any of that."
So, after being told by multiple desired lovers that I wasn't "man enough to fulfill [their] deepest desires both sexually and emotionally," I decided it was time to become a man-- at least by the definitions of society.
But, being completely unmanly, I had not the slightest idea of where to even begin. So I went to the place I always go when I am in need of an answer to a mysterious, deeply intricate question.... Google. And, after doing hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades (aka thirty seconds) worth of research I came up with this detailed list of requirements for every manly man.
To love sports, you must first know things about sports. Assuming you are like me, that means you don't know the difference between a field goal or a goalpost (don't worry, I had to google both terms!) So allow me to help you out.
According to google there are three main sports here in America among men: football, basketball, and baseball. (Then a bunch of others like hockey and soccer, but they aren't as important!) Football is a sport not actually played with the foot, but rather with the skin of a pig. Basketball is a sport played with a rock that you throw into a circle with a net hanging down. And baseball is a sport where you throw a tiny white ball and hit it with a piece of a wood.
So, that about summarizes the whole sport thing. NEXT!
Apparently it is a massive no-no to drink anything with fruit in it. Guys call it "girly"... apparently that's an insult in the man community, just a heads up. Anyways, if you want to be a man, you need to drink this horrible drink called whiskey and you aren't even allowed to use chasers or mix it with Coca Cola or anything... all you're allowed to put in it are ice cubs, but even that is frowned upon.
Not a fan of this one, honestly.
Lastly, you need to love to fight. I don't know what the hell it is that sounds appealing about getting punched in the face and bleeding all over yourself, but apparently it is a must do in the manly man community.
They even made a movie about it, it's called "Fighting Club." They meet up every Tuesday night and watch fights or something... I don't know, I never watched it. Maybe you and I can watch it together while wearing football jerseys and drinking whiskey? After all, those are the most manly things you can do.... right?