5 Things to Do Instead of Texting Him/Her

According to science, the best way to get someone to love you is to act like you don't even register their existence. That means you can't call them, you can't text them, you can't even look at them, bitch you better not even think about them! I know you want to, I know that you are all in love and stuff, but science, man... Science.

So here are 5 things that you can do instead of texting that special girl/guy. You'll be doing these things and they'll be falling in love with you... either that or just fucking some other dude. Either way...

1. Count Grass

When you get the urge to text that special someone, instead you need to run outside, find a large patch of grass, dive on top of it, and count every single blade of grass. One, two, three, pull out your phone and stare at it hoping his/her name pops up, four, five, six, have a panic attack thinking she/ he forgot you even exist, seven, eight, nine, start crying in the middle of the lawn, it's fine mom and dad my tears will serve as a sprinklers system, so really I'm saving water. I'm a goddamn hero, why doesn't she love me?!?!?!? Ten, eleven, twelve...

2. Watch Paint Dry

What most people don't realize is that watching paint dry is actually pretty boring. Here is what you do. You go to Home Depot, buy a gallon of paint, walk into your local Wal Mart and begin to paint the back wall. Trust me, they won't kick you out for doing this, because every Wal Mart in the world needs a new paint job. Like what are you even doing Wal Mart? I know one thing that you're not doing, painting your damn walls. Anyway. You're painting in Wal Mart. Focus on each stroke, why the fuck won't she text me back, watch as the paint rolls onto the wall, honestly I am losing my goddamn mind, stare at the wall and watch as the wet paint turns to TEXT ME BACK ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!

3. Count Sheep

I'm assuming y'all live in the hilly billy parts of town that I live in, right? Cool! Well, here is what I want you to do. Go over to your local farm, the one right next to your house, no not that place that's a Trader Joe's, yes that's the place. You see that cage full of sheep, maybe my phone just isn't receiving texts, walk over to the sheep, hold up let me text myself and see if I get it, cool now start counting the sheep, shit I got the text, WHY ISN'T SHE TEXTING ME??? One sheep, two sheep, three sheep, maybe she's dead and can't text me because dead people can't text, four sheep, five sheep, six sheep, I could just send her a quick little text to see if she is still alive, seven sheep, eight sheep, nine sheep, NO, you are stronger than this, do not text her!! Ten sheep. I won't text her! Eleven sheep. Oops. Oops what? Twelve sheep. I texted her..... Thirteen sheep. You idiot.

4. Stare at your phone, waiting for him/her to respond.

Good job you idiot, you freaking texted her. Now what? Now you stand in the middle of the hallway staring at your phone. It's fine, he'll text you back. Try to go back to your day, pull your phone out and stare at it. Maybe she texted me?? Still nothing... Go to your brother's play, support him, he's worked so hard. Miss the entire play because you're busy staring at your phone. The next day rolls around, you don't leave your bed because you're too busy staring at your phone. 2050 rolls around, you are still in bed staring at your phone. Maybe.... just maybe.... I should text her again.

5. Grab a bat, a mirror, an iPod shuffle, and a small t shirt
(I can't find a good pic for this section. Fuck off.)

I understand that this seems like an odd mixture of things, but trust me, it'll make sense in the end. At this point you have texted him/her so many times that they are now convinced you are a stalker murderer. Good job. They have deleted your number, called the police, called up their ex, and are probably making sweet sweet love while laughing about how pathetic you are. This is where the bat, mirror, iPod shuffle, and small t shirt come in handy.

First things first, set the mirror against the wall, I want you to stare at yourself as this all goes down. Put on the t shirt that is way to small for you. Stare into your reflection. You look like shit, don't you? That's why she/he won't text you back. It's because you're ugly and your shirt is too small. It's okay, let's play some soothing music on that iPod shuffle of yours. OOPS, what's that? You can't play soothing music because you can't pick your own song because there is no screen on that goddamn iPod shuffle?? Maybe you can just skip to the next song. What's that? It only has Nickelback? WHOOPS! Let those horrid songs torture your already tortured soul.

But wait, there is a way out! The bat. Grab that bat and hit yourself on the head until you are knocked unconscious and can no longer remember that she/he won't text you back! Hit yourself again. Again. Again. Again. Agai- You hit the floor. The bat rolls out of your hand. Your phone falls to the floor. Your motionless body rests only inches from your phone. The screen lights up. It's them!!!!

Oh, shit.... you're dead and now you can't text them back.... Whoops.